my senior year

i took this picture my senior year of college when i was in photography.  it was for the self-portrait assignment "my presence without me."  i remain amazed at how much this still holds true for me.  after spending a year in slovakia and now being in the second half of my second year of seminary in chicago, i still find myself drawn to these three things in my life.

my chacos.  my chacos go with me everywhere.  they let me be me.  i can travel basically all i want in them, they are comfortable and supportive, and they travel with me.  though i have now gone through at least one pair of chacos since the ones in the picture, i have somehow managed to keep the same style throughout the replacement pairs.

my chacos connect me to camp, to argentina, south africa, slovakia, new york, colorado; to home.  that is it!  my senior year of high school, when my parents split up, i lost my home.  home could no longer be the house i grew up in because only one parent lived there.  home became where i was and so my chacos have become my sense of home as well.

my journal.  to this day i write in my journal and it fits even more into this picture now than it did when i first took it.  while in slovakia i journaled every day.  some days were longer, some shorter, but i kept track of my experiences and what i was grateful for each day.  now, two years later, i'm re-reading my journal and the experiences i have remind me of who i am and have become.

there are things about slovakia that i remember and have become distorted over the years.  negative things grew and positive things shrank, but now, as i re-read i am reminded far more of the positives than of the negatives.  this is part of why i continue to journal; it helps me express myself and make sense of my day and the world around me.  and as i now end with tgi (what i am trusting, grateful for, and inspired by) and a place i've seen god, i put even my worst days into a bit of perspective.  not taking away the pain or the anger or the hurt, but adding back in a bit more of the hope.

not everything i experience can be described with words, but i have mementos glued in and sometimes resort to coloring or drawing to express myself and those assortments of colors, when i look back on them, certainly say more than a thousand words could have.

my camera.  my camera still goes with me.  it documents my life and through it i create art.  it helps me express myself when words just can't capture a moment or feeling.  as i shaved my head this week, i made sure to take pictures before, during, and after.  pictures will help remind me of the stories of my youth when i tell them to my children and grandchildren some day.  i remember looking at my mom's pictures from when she was young and i still enjoy looking through family photo albums and i cannot wait to share the joy of pictures with those who will be in my family (or "family") of the future.