mixed feelings

today is a momentous day in a few different ways.

today, may 15, 2012 the lutheran school of theology at chicago's board of directors voted for lstc to become a reconciling in christ seminary, joining in the proclamation of the gospel with sister seminaries plts and ltsp, and many congregations, synods, and other organizations and colleges.  how exciting it is to be part of this process and to be part of a community that is committed not only to wanting diverse people of all sexual orientations and gender identities at lstc, but that is also committed to talking about our differences and engaging with each other so that we might all recognize each other as the beloved children of god that we are.

i am so excited that this process, which involved a lot of congregation has so wonderfully set the stage for a proclamation that calls us to continue and really get down to the messy business that is being church differently together.  i am also grateful for the huge amounts of support and leadership from so many people at lstc: students, staff, faculty, alum, and board members.  it has been a long journey so far and it is just beginning :)

at the same time, today was the last day that i will see gerry, jackie, and addie working together in the cafeteria.  after my last lunch, i dawdled, taking pictures, hugging, and trying to say good-bye in a way that was authentic to our experiences of working and being in community together.  leaving the cafeteria today was sad and i will deeply miss what it has been for me over the last two years.

i am also leaving today on the train to see my grandmother for what will likely be the last time on this side of death.  she is 91 years old and approaching the eleventh anniversary of granddaddy's death.  every time we would visit granny, she would take me to church with her and i would get so excited to go to mass with her and the coffee girls and then afterwards to go for coffee and pastries and to talk.  these women nurtured me in the faith in a way that i can never forget.

so, as i begin the long journey east to connecticut, i go hoping and praying that i am able to see granny one more time and that i am able to be present with her and simply love her.  she has journeyed a long and difficult road and in the last few weeks i have realized how little is left.  through it all, though, she has been my granny and i love her.

1 john 3:16-24

we know love by this, that he laid down his life for us—and we ought to lay down our lives for one another. how does god’s love abide in anyone who has the world’s goods and sees a brother or sister in need and yet refuses help? little children, let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action. and by this we will know that we are from the truth and will reassure our hearts before him whenever our hearts condemn us; for god is greater than our hearts, and she knows everything. beloved, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have boldness before god; and we receive from him whatever we ask, because we obey god's commandments and do what pleases her.

and this is god's commandment, that we should believe in the name of his son jesus christ and love one another, just as god has commanded us. all who obey god's commandments abide in her, and god abides in them. and by this we know that god abides in us, by the spirit that he has given us.

for me, this passage speaks to more than a pietistic "be nice" attitude.  this is serious!  we're talking about dying here!  now, granted, i have no idea what i would be willing to die for.  let's face it, until we're in a situation and faced with death, we can never know exactly how we will react. 

even so, for me this goes back to my j-term class, called "urban peacemaking in a culture of violence."  in the class we talked a lot about nonviolence as a way of life.  we met with people from ceasefire, a group working to end gun violence by interrupting conflict before it gets the chance to escalate and by educating youth.  we met with christian peacemaker team folks who are invited to conflict ridden areas to intervene, or get in the way, to help those who are in danger of violence.  we met with all sorts of people who are living nonviolently, or at least trying to.

one of the most profound things i took from the class was the realization that nonviolence is not a hobby, it's not easy, and it's certainly not without risks.  committing my life to nonviolence is not about being safe, it's about being willing to take the risks that those who use violence, in wars, in neighborhoods, in lives, are willing to take.  if i am not willing to risk my life to stop war and end conflicts nonviolently, then how much can i complain about war and the lives risked to stop war and end conflicts violently?  i have to be willing to put not necessarily my money, but my body where my mouth is; to lay down my life for another.

is the goal ever to die?  no, but if i'm not willing to do it, then the impact of my nonviolent actions is severely limited.  the impact of my love for another just as jesus loved me is lessened if my love does not include my life.

it doesn't have to start huge.  maybe it starts with intervening when a parent is at the end of their rope and yelling at the kid and just giving the parent a moment to breathe.  maybe it starts with intervening when somebody's kicking a dog.  like almost any time i've ever tried to follow god's call in my life, it starts small, but with a mind shifted and committed to nonviolence, then god gets to work and makes it huge.  god is amazing.  she always finds a way to make anything i try bigger and bigger until it really is a way of life for me; a part of who i am.